My Heart Cries, For We Could Have Been Together
by aliveandkicking
Summary: Satire. Mary-Sue comes tumbling into the council of Elrond. Very short.


**A/N: This is written in a sarcastic manner.                 **

Legolas and Frodo sat at the council of Elrond. Although there were many others there, by conventional standards they are deemed unworthy of mentioning albeit their admirations of the Original Character. Pardon me for giving some of the plot away, not that it was a mystery at any rate. 

So they sat, somewhat blankly, not saying anything, listening to Elrond waffle on about destroying the ring in what was obviously not a canonical manner. Frodo sat next to Legolas purely because the physically attractive characters always seem to walk, stand and sit alongside each other. 

"When is this gonna end?" murmured Frodo to Legolas in modern slang. 

 "Dunno," replied Legolas, equally out of character.

At that moment, they could hear a distant "AAAAAH!" 

None of them thought to look up, considering Tolkien's characters have no intelligence or sense of audiovisual direction. They whipped their heads wildly about, for they could hear that the pure, sweet, screaming voice was that of a girl's. 

Then, at the last minute, they looked up. She was twenty meters or so from the ground, very high up, and she seemed to have been falling for a long time, considering they had heard the cry a few minutes ago. 

And although planes, helicopters and other flying devices did not technically exist in Middle-Earth, nobody paused to wonder how such a fall had taken place. If a flying creature had brought her here it would have dropped her off nearer the ground, and evil steeds did not simply wander about and pick up young girls. 

So she came down, now ten meters to the ground, and already they were preparing to awe at her beauty when she hit the ground. 

In a flash of cargo pants, skin-tight short black top and combat boots, she was on the ground with a heavy THUD. 

The council stood up, finally making some use of themselves, although for some reason only the attractive characters came forth. Elrond stood and peered over the scene, curious, while the dwarves sat there and looked shocked. The other elves and men who were not main characters wiped all expression from their face and simply stayed where they were. However, none could resist awing at her beauty. 

She was a young girl, probably between twelve and sixteen, with a green "radioactive" sign on her short black top. They had no idea what it meant, but they agreed that it looked "cool", even though they didn't know what that meant either.

Her face was angelic, almost like a porcelain doll one can easily smash (and one would like to). Her eyes weren't open, but just for your sake we know she had one purple and one yellow eye. Her face was otherwise perfect, whatever your definition of perfect is, and her ears were (surprise, surprise) slightly pointed, like an elf's. Lastly, she had long, long, silky black hair one could easily hang her with (and one would like to).

Her chest was huge for her age, of course, and she had a waistline like a hornet's, being tough and slim all at the same time.  

Lastly, her cargo pants were full of pockets and had a sheath on the side with a full-sized katana in it.

Rising up from her prostrate form, the good-looking members of the council looked at each other and nodded for no reason.

"She's tough," they said simultaneously.

"She's pretty," they said in unison. 

"She's intelligent," they said at the same time, even though they had no idea.

It hadn't yet struck them as a surprise that a girl wearing alien clothes had just fallen from the sky. Legolas and Frodo were, by now, drooling. An elfmance or hobbitmance was clearly on the horizon, but who would be the lucky winner this time? 

What happened next was purely a miracle.

At that point, Gandalf, somehow regaining sense despite being stuck in a plot with a character that has been used over and over again, left his seat and stood by her body.

The others, infatuated, protested as he lightly beat his staff to her leg. 

She did not move.

 "Maybe she did not feel pain", they echoed each other, awed again. "How tough!"

 Then, he bent down and checked her neck, her breathing and her pulse.

"What are you doing Gandalf? What are you doing?" They were talking like a classroom, all at the same time. 

"She's dead," he said alone. "The fall broke her neck. What did you think?" 


End file.
